# Day 2 : The horrible day that you want to erase from your memory

salam eblyone . 
Everyone have been through a hard time once in life right ?
so do me . 
Eventhough , i got tons of hard time in this earth ,
this 'one day' stands off the most . 
It was on 11 July 2008 .
Friday , with a nice weather and clear sky . 
i'm about to go too school . 
that year , 2008 i live with my grandma because my younger sister have sickness and my parents got to live in hospital a while . 
When my grandma had prepared my lunch and i'm about to eat , 
i got a call . 
First my aunt answer it . 
Then , suddenly she cried and i my heart races so fasssssssssst . 
i don't know why . 
my aunt gave me the phone . 
she said to hear it myself . 
the caller is my father .
that time i have a bad feeling because my father cry on the phone . 
once in my life , i NEVER heard or see my father cry . 
but that day , my father cry . 
what my father said still strong in my mind . 
he said liked this :
'Firah... Syidah dah tak ada . Syidah dah tak ada .' 
that time , my heart felt liked stopping , the earth is stopping , the clock is stopping , the people is stopping from moves . 
All things around me is stopping . 
i don't know . 
awhile , my body doesn't moves liked what my brain told so ,  
then , my aunt help me to sit down in a chair , takes a deep breath but i don't think i hear what she said .
i burst into a tear . 
i think i cry so hard because last day my sister in this earth , i don't live beside her self .
when , my younger sister body arrive to my house
 (my house and my grandma house is near) , 
and people gave me 'takziah' speech , 
it felt so empty down to my heart .
so EMPTY . felt NOTHING . 
that time , i see my younger sister dead body . 
i just felt that she prank me . and i see no breath in her body , no upside and down in her stomach . NOTHING . 
i cry . cry . cry . cry . cry .
in my heart i said , 
'Syidah , jangan la memain lagi . bangun larh . kakak nak tengok kamu senyum .'
'Syidah , nanti kakak sensowang jew kat dunia neyh , kenapa kamu tak nak bangun lagi .'
'Syidah , kenapa kamu tak  bangun , jangan larh memain lagi . Nanti kita dah tak boleh nak tidur sesama , makan sesama , main sesama , cerita sesama , tak boleh nak kutuk orang dah . Dah tak ada sapa dah nak dengar kakak cakap apa . bangun la , kenapa tak bangun ? '
Everyone , take their hand and grab me to show their support , but i felt nothing . my view blank until i arrive to the grave of my sister .
I see one of the light , two kids hold my younger sister hand and walk . 
i think that my younger sister said to me 'goodbye' and walk away . 
Nobody see it except mine . 
After that , for the 'majlis tahlil' i am the only one smell a rose fragment beside me . 
it the last smell that i smell when i kiss my younger sister face . 
i think because i am the closest one to my younger sister then , she came to me to see me .
Then , i didn't dare to step toward my room . 
because i shared it with my younger sister . 
many memory that i hold in that room . 
whenever i step in that room , i can still see my younger sister smile , cry  and play with me . 
the memory was only for me and her . 
i am only older one year from my younger sister . 
and we are only the two child in my family . 
So , i kinda not common in that situation . 
Almost two weeks then , i came back from my grandma house because all the wardrobe , colour of the wall , the cabinet , the sofa in my room changed .
still it was unusual . 
my mom always cry in the night , i am afraid of the dark , i cannot close the lamp and i just don't liked myself . 
i HATE myself . 
i always said to myself that time why i was the only one that survive and why i don't follow my sister . 
i became quiet , hard to approach , always crying and i don't have a good relationship with my parent . 
I didn't talk almost a month and i didn't smile . 
but , one day , i dream about my sister .
She smile to me and beside her was a mosque . 
She wear a white cloth and she show me the mosque . 
then i awake .
'azan subuh' reverberate . 
i pray and my eyes fill with tears . 
after that dream ,
myself changed because that dream show me that i have to move along in live . 
i have to forget her and fight for alive . 
i have to makes my parents happy because they are more heart broken then mine . 
i have to cheer my life because Allah love her more . 
that was the turn of my life to become more mature and the experience make me  more stronger . InsyaAllah :')
Alfatihah , to my younger sister :
Allahyarhamah Musyidah Mohd Shalleh .

p/s - my younger sister was 13 years old back then , and she had a 'lymphoma-cancer' in a last stage . So , when i am grown up , i want to become part of charity that help children with cancer disease to cheer their life :') 

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