A Letter to God

Dear Allah,
If you happen to see this letter, can you please send my regard to my little sister, Mursyidah there ?
Tell her that i miss her so much and i will come later on.
Please said to her that i love her very much. Eventhough she left me alone in this earth to join others but... i still love her day by day, month by month also year by year.

Dear Allah,
If you happen to see this letter, can you please lift up the feeling 'alone' that you give me the whole time when my little sister left this earth.
I couldn't bear it anymore.
I feel sick.
I feel anxious.
I feel so damn tired.
To get the loneliness wrap my feeling and emotion.
I cannot give a chance to others to get close to me..
I feel afraid i will get used to them and one day they will left me alone just as what my little sister do to me years ago.
I wrap my emotion except for loneliness to guide me through out my adulthood.
I cannot get close to other people.
I cannot get used to the term of relationship.

I close my heart.
I close my feeling.
I close my soul.
To accept other.

Dear Allah,
Please help me.
As i'm getting lost in the term of 'relationship with human' .
I felt so much fear to talk to other human.
I get easy and comfortable when i'm alone.
But, it get worse because i cannot handle to talk face to face with strangers.

Dear Allah,
I know, You know what is it deep inside my heart.
Deep inside my soul.
And ,
Deep inside my feeling.
Guide me and remembering me that i also got 'someone' that always waiting me and watching me... far-far away as i don't see her but she still live deep inside my heart.

Dear Allah,
If you happen to see this letter, actually i have something to confess on.
As i live without my little sister now, i always lived with regret.
I know as a Muslim and me as a Muslimah, we cannot hold any regret and we have to learn to let go when the person is dying or die.
We have to accept the fate that have been written since we are born in this earth.
But Allah, i regretted the time that i spend with my little sister was very little. Very little that i can count it with my hand.
I just lived with her until she was 13. By the time she was gone, i was 14. We only one year apart.
When she was dignosed with cancer, i LEFT her alone. Fighting the cancer all alone until she was defeated by it. I didn't shared any pain with her as i was busy studying as a high schooler. I always left her alone when she needed me, as her sister. She needed me to tell her stories when she was at the hospital fighting her illness. She was linked with this some sort of high technology machine to support her nutrition. She cannot walk or see a beautiful sky. All she see when she was fighting was only machine and mute wall. That time, i ignored my little sister bacause i scared of her. I DID NOT stay by her side or sleep with her by the night as usually we do at home. How foolish i am that time... When my little sister dying, i DO NOT see her. I lived far away from the place that she was getting treatment (by mean hospital). So the last day she on earth, i DID NOT go to see her, i DID NOT hold her hand. I DID NOT talk to her nor speak to her. When the day she came home after a long month in hospital, she was GONE FOREVER. By the time she arrived, with no breath nor her body is moving, i can't believe she's gone. My beautiful, cheerful, listener, annoying human, roomate, so-called-best-friend-forever is DISAPPEAR from this earth.

Dear Allah,
This guiltiness inside my heart do not go or vanish as the year gone by. It still stuck inside my heart liked a strong glue and it will remain i think liked forever.

Dear Allah,
I think i missed my sister very-very much. If you happen to see this letter, please, please, please tell her I'M SORRY.

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